(This is a guest post from Mandy about her daughter Kaylee Ann. Thank you for sharing this with us, Mandy.)

In April, 2010, I married the love of my life. We knew immediately that we wanted to have a baby. We started trying in July and got pregnant right away. We found out in August, 2010 that we were expecting. We were ecstatic and told everyone right away. We saw our baby’s heartbeat for the first time at 6 weeks 3 days. Everything looked great. The pregnancy was uneventful, I had another ultrasound at 12 weeks and still everything was perfect. As the weeks went on and my stomach grew bigger, we got even more excited. At 21 weeks, 4 days I started having some cramping so I went in to see the doctor. They found the baby’s heartbeat right away and told me not to worry. I had an ultrasound 5 days later so they didn’t bother doing one then. I went home and rested and assumed everything was fine.

December 13, 2010 I had my anatomy scan scheduled for 2:30 pm. Both my hubby and I took the day off of work and toured day-cares that morning. It finally came time for our ultrasound and we were thrilled. They called us back and as soon as the tech put the wand on my belly, she turned off the big screen. I remember just staring at her face and I knew something was terribly wrong. I kept asking her what was wrong, but she wouldn’t tell me. She put us in another room to wait for the doctor. My doctor came in and said, “I’m so sorry, the baby is gone, there’s no heartbeat.” I was 22 weeks pregnant. I felt numb at first and couldn’t even believe this happened to me. These things don’t happen right?!?WRONG..they do…a lot more than I ever knew.

Leaving the hospital with a memory box instead of my baby is something no one should ever have to do. I felt sad, angry, ashamed, embarrassed…and severely broken hearted. For months, I sat on the computer in online support groups, those woman knew my pain and as much as I hated that, I was so comforted knowing I wasn’t alone..because after your child is stillborn, not only is your heart torn apart, you truly feel completely alone..no one understands this pain if they have not been through it.

We had an autopsy done and numerous tests. She was perfect, they found nothing wrong with her or me. To this day, we don’t know what causes our first daughter to be taken to heaven.

A few months went by and we decided to try again. We again got pregnant almost immediately, but sadly, that pregnancy ended at 5 weeks along.

Again, I was devastated and pissed off. We decided we would wait a couple months to try again. We were very safe that month. However, my period was a few days late..I honestly figured it was stress, but decided to take a test anyway and to my shock, it was positive.

This pregnancy was treated as high risk and through routine bloodwork, we found out I had MTHFR. This is a blood disorder where your body doesn’t produce enough folic acid. I was immediately put on baby aspirin. I was terrified and paranoid the entire pregnancy. I had ultrasounds every couple of weeks. At 19 weeks, we found out we were having another girl! I was excited, but very cautious. I thought my anxiety would ease after I passed 22 weeks, but because I knew so much and met so many women who had babies die at all different gestations, I was a mess. I was in a support group for woman who were pregnant with their rainbow (a rainbow baby is a baby born after a previous loss). They were my only sanity!

I had quite a few complications at the end of my pregnancy, I was in and out of the hospital. But on January 14, 2012, my rainbow baby, Hannah Marie was born alive and screaming. Feeling her warm body in my arms, hearing her crud, seeing her eyes was the most amazing feeling ever. Hannah is 10 months old now and is my world. She will never take away the pain of losing Kaylee, nor will she ever replace her. She has however saved me. She has saved me from a completely broken heart and has made me happy again. After Kaylee died I couldn’t care less of whether I lived or died…but now I want to live, I want to raise Hannah and I love being her mommy. She’s an amazing little girl and I know her sister is watching over her. I feel like Kaylee gave up her life here on earth so that her sister could be born..if Kaylee lived, Hannah would not be here. This is something I struggle with daily, but I know in my heart that she is here in our hearts forever and I find a lot of comfort in that.

Thank you for reading our story and for breaking the silence. These are our babies and they do matter.

Thank you,

Mandy Mortel