(This is a guest blog by Clarissa about her son. Thank you for sharing this, Clarissa.)
I never in a million years think that I would go through the loss of a child. I found out I was pregnant in June of 2012, kind of an early birthday present I guess you can say. It was a feeling of mixed emotions. I was trying to process the fact that I was pregnant and also the fact that I’d be a single parent. It took me a while to get used to the fact that I was expecting, but as soon as I heard that heartbeat and saw the flips my son was doing, it sunk in. I was going to be a mom!
I did everything right, lost my weight rather than gaining it, vitals were always perfect at each appointment and his heartbeat was always strong. I went to my 36-week doctor appointment, confident that my doctor was going to give me a set date to deliver…. but things took a turn for the worse. My doctor couldn’t find his heartbeat, which wasn’t unusual being as it was always difficult to find, so he performed a sonogram. The blank look on my doctor’s face said it all. No heartbeat. No movement. I remember his exact words, “I believe you have lost your baby”. Confusion set in real fast, how could I have lost my baby at 37 weeks? I have never ever heard of that in my life. He instructed me to head to the hospital right away.
I was sent right to radiology to get a 3D sonogram done, just to be sure he was right. He was. I looked on that screen and saw my poor baby inside my stomach lifeless. I broke down immediately. My mother was waiting for me right outside and she and the sonogram tech walked me down the hallway to the maternity center. The nurses were waiting for me at the door and walked my mom and me to my room. Once there I answered the millions of question, did blood work and all the routine things you do to normally have a baby. I was given meds to calm me down and help me sleep but to be honest none of them helped me. My doctor wanted me to have my baby naturally with the help of the epidural just because it would of been an easier recovery time but I didn’t want that. He then told me that I could have a C-section and that I could be put to sleep because it was a traumatic experience for somebody not being able to take her baby home.
The next morning on January 30, 2013, I was prepped for surgery and at 7:58 am, my son came into this world stillborn. I got to hold him throughout the day as well as my family. I do regret not taking any pictures of my own but the hospital did take some. It’s very difficult having to go thru something like this with your husband but I had to do it on my own. Yeah, I had family and friends there for me but they will never really understand exactly what I’ve gone thru or how I feel now. I decided to opt out of the autopsy only because I know I did nothing wrong and my doctor did nothing wrong. I buried my son on Feb. 6, 2013… It is true what is said… you don’t know how strong you are until being strong is all you have to be.
Clarissa, my care and prayer are with you in your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. As I continue to read and respond to women whose babies are born still, my heart hurts for each of you. I have never married and was in a religious congregation for 35 years so have had no children of my own. I can only imagine the heartache and heartbreak of a baby born still. Your baby angel will always be a part of you!
I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t think of anything worse than losing a child. I lost my baby boy in December and every day since then has been a struggle. You are right about strength. Since this has happened people have told me how strong I am but what choice do I have? May your sweet little boy rest in peace.